joannelau's Xanga

Friday, October 05, 2007

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 01:31:13 GMT

I actually have read this article some time ago, but when someone sent it to me again today, I felt like as if the article is mocking me or what... I found this more touching than when I read it before, and my tears kept trickling down from my already puffy eyes from crying earlier... I tried to relate myself as 'the leaf' in the article, but is there really 'a tree' somewhere else who loves me as I love him, or is it only that I imagine everything? I hope not, but I guess it is probably the latter.

Anyway, I have to leave, but forcing the heart to leave completely is not easy. I am exactly pulling my heart away from the hole, but is the hole too sticky or am I too weak?? I just know it is piercingly painful... and is it fair for 'the wind'?

葉子的離開，是因為風的追求，還是樹的不挽留。
　
　
我很喜歡其中一句話：「葉子的離開，是因為風的追求，還是樹的不挽留。」
倘若你愛上一個人，千萬別裝作無所謂毫不在乎，愛情，玩不起心理戰呀！
---------------------　
　
樹

會叫樹的原因，是因為我擅長畫水彩畫，最愛畫樹，久而久之，我的畫作右下方
索性以一棵樹來代表我。

高中三年交過五個女朋友，有一個女孩子，我很愛她，卻遲遲不敢追，她沒有
美麗的面孔，沒有姣好的身材，沒有撩人的魅力，一個再平凡不過的女孩子。

我喜歡她，真的真的很喜歡她，喜歡她的單純，她的直率，她的可愛，她的智障，
她的脆弱。

不追她的原因，也許是潛意識覺得平凡如她配不上我；也許是因為怕在一起後，
一切的好感都會消失；也許是怕外人的指指點點傷害了她；也許是覺得，她會是我
的，不用急著為了她而放棄一切。

最後這個原因，讓她陪了我三年，讓她看著我和別的女孩子廝混了三年，讓
她心痛了三年。

她很想當一個好演員，但我卻像一個嚴苛的導演。我和第二個女朋友在廁所
接吻，被她撞見，她尷尬的笑笑說：「Go ~ on！」
然後跑掉，第二天，她眼睛腫得像核桃一樣，我故意不去猜想是誰讓她哭成這樣，
嘲笑了她一天，她在所有人都回家後，在教室哭了起來，
她不知道練球回來拿東西的我，看了她一個多小時。

我的第四個女朋友，一直很不喜歡她，有次她們兩個吵了起來，我知道依她的個性不會
去惹事，但我還是護著女朋友，她被我吼了一下後，愣住，眼淚滑了下來，我無視她的眼
淚，陪女友走出教室，第二天，她依舊嘻嘻哈哈的和我開玩笑，我知道她很難過，但
她不會知道我的心不比她好受。

當我和第五個女朋友分手時，我約她出去玩，玩了一天，我對她說：「我有
事要對妳說。」她說：「真巧，我也有事要對你說。」「我和她分手了。」「我和他
在一起了。」我知道「他」是誰，他追她也有一陣子了，是個蠻可愛的男孩子，活
潑有趣，充滿了熱情，追她追得滿城風雨。我不能表現自己的心痛，只能笑笑地恭喜
她，但當我回到家，心中的痛楚強烈得令我無法承受，像有個千斤重的石頭壓在我胸
口，我無法呼吸，想大叫卻叫不出來，眼淚竟然滑了下來，我掩面大哭，多少次，我
也看著她為了那個不願承認的人掩面大哭。

畢業典禮時，我在手機上發現了一封簡訊，這是十天前，我掩面大哭時傳來
的，只是我一直沒有去開過機。

「葉子的離開，是因為風的追求，還是樹的不挽留。」
--------------------------------------
　
葉子

高中時，喜歡蒐集葉子，why？因為我覺得，一片葉子要離開它長期依賴的
樹，好勇敢哩！

高中三年，我和一個男孩子很好，不算男女朋友那種好，是好朋友那種好，
但是，在他交第一個女朋友時，我學會了一種不該有的感覺，吃醋，心中的酸，不是
一顆檸檬可以比喻，那就像是100顆臭酸的檸檬，酸到不行，他們只在一起兩個月，當
他們分手，我還得掩飾自己心中強烈的喜悅，但是一個月後，他和另一個女孩子在
一起。

我喜歡他，也知道他喜歡我，可是，他為什麼總是不追我呢？明明喜歡彼此，
為什麼不行動？每當他交一個女朋友，我就心痛一次，一次又一次的打擊，讓我不
禁懷疑，是我一廂情願嗎？不愛我，為什麼要對我那麼好？他對我的好，已經不是普
通朋友可以做到。喜歡一個人，好難過，我可以清楚的知道他的喜好，他的習慣，唯
獨他對我的感覺，我猜不透，難道要我這個女孩子去開口嗎？

儘管如此，我還是想在他身邊，關心他，陪他，愛他，也許算是一種等待的
行為，等待他回來愛我，就像每天晚上等他的電話，等他的簡訊，我知道，就算他再
忙，也會撥出一些時間給我。這樣的等待，陪了我三年，等待是難熬的，是令人想放
棄的，但等到的那一剎那，讓人第二天會繼續等下去。這樣的煎熬，這樣的痛苦，這
樣的幸福，這樣的矛盾，陪了我三年。

直到三年級下學期，高二一個學弟喜歡上我，每天的熱情追求，令我從一開
始的拒絕，漸漸願意挪出我心房的一些位置給他。他像一陣溫柔而持久的風，撩撥
我這片搖搖欲墜的葉子，到最後，我發現我已經不想只留一點點的位置給這陣風，我
知道這陣風，會帶我這片傷痕累累的葉子，到更幸福的地方。

於是我離開了樹，樹只是笑笑，沒有挽留。

「葉子的離開，是因為風的追求，還是樹的不挽留。」

----------------------------------------　
　
風

因為我喜歡的女孩子叫葉子，因為她有一棵令她依戀的樹，所以我要當一陣風，
一陣呵護她的風。

第一次看見她，是高二我轉來一個月後的事，個子小小的她坐在球場旁，
一雙眼凝視著同和我在球場的學長，每天的社團時間，她總會坐在那裡，
一個人，和朋友，她的眼光依舊凝視著他，當他和女孩子打打鬧鬧，
她的眼中有淚，當他看向她，她的眼中有笑。
看她成了我的習慣，就像她愛看他。

有一天她沒來，我心中沒來由的焦慮與不安，我無法解釋那種感覺，除了不安，
還是不安，而且那學長竟然也不在。我衝去他們教室，躲在外面，看著學長罵
她，她的眼淚，他的離去。

第二天，她依舊坐在場邊，看著他，我走過去，對她笑一笑，拿了張紙條給
她，她先是驚訝的看著我，然後笑笑地收下。

隔天，她拿著紙條出現在我面前，然後離開。

「葉子的心太沉重，風吹不動。」

「不是葉子的心太沉重，是葉子根本就不想離開樹。」

我回給她這段話後，她漸漸會和我說話，收我的禮物，接我的電話。

我知道她喜歡的不是我，但我還是有毅力一定要讓她喜歡上我，四個月內我
告白了不下20次，每一次她都轉移話題，但我還是不會放棄，我決定要的人，我就一
定會給它追過來！

一直到不知道第幾次的告白，出了口，雖然知道她一定會又說到別的事，但
還是有一絲絲希望她的答應，沒想到她都不說話，「妳在幹嘛？怎麼不說話？」我對
著話筒說。

「我在點頭。」

「啊？」我不敢相信自己的耳朵。

「我在點頭！」她大聲叫。

我甩掉電話，匆匆披上一件衣服，上了機車，衝去她們家按門鈴，當她開門
的那一剎那，緊緊抱住她。

「葉子的離開，是因為風的追求，還是樹的不挽留。」

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Wed, 30 May 2007 17:27:10 GMT

It's been nearly half a year since I last updated my xanga. I guess my life have been really too busy to bother posting up some random thoughts. I dunno if I'm really that busy as in my schedule is full or my mind being always in a busy tangle lol I guess it has been a little of both. Anyway, xanga has always been a platform for me to voice some thoughts out and to express in a seemingly implicit way. Maybe it's because I didn't need to express implicitly in the last few months, and that's why I stopped blogging for a while. And all of a sudden, I just wanna express something, to just say it out, record it here and then let it disaapear into the thin air! Especially when I know that ppl involved would not come to take a look at this... All I wanna say is that it aches when you hear a friend of your own say that he doesn't care about what you did. Whoever on Earth would say sth like that? You wouldn't say it even to an acquaintance, would you? I dunno what's going on... why does someone suddenly want to detach from your life? What's the thing that is worth escaping from? And should friends care about each other? Or do I demand too much from a friend? "I don't care..." I simply hate this phrase.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 16:59:40 GMT

it's not like we don't believe in love anymore; we just don't believe in ourselves and our ability to love

Monday, January 15, 2007

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 14:02:14 GMT

haven't updated for ages, and actually haven't read others' xanga for ages as well. I guess life for me is a bit too busy now, time is always inadequate, not enough for work and not enough for play. There are so many things in life that I wanna do, but have no time to finish. I guess it may be an excuse, yet so true. I wonder at the speed of time, things change at a blink of an eye, but as time goes by, things accumulate, yet others fade. Time, if only i can get hold of you...

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 15:42:54 GMT

Feeling much better these few days, as in with less emotional ups and downs. Does history create who you are? History. Memories. These are two comparable words with one more objective while the other subjective. I tend to like memories better as they reflect the series of history in a less obscure way which adds a blind of mist covering and beautifying the imperfect reality. As time goes by, layers of events add on, blurring the original seemingly irreversible wound. Thanks for those who contribute to the continual strata. =P

P.S. really enjoy being well-treated and taken care of with an absence of intention. The first time being encouraged, esp by a guy, to believe in fairy tales again, and i really like the offer of a horse LOL

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 04:42:38 GMT

i really shouldn't have loaded myself with unnecessary burdens. This should be done a week ago, but it's never too late to make it clear now, luckily I didn't leave it till the end of the months. Now, this is lifted from my mind and i have the capacity to handle other things in life such as studies and studies and studies...

JC, you are right, i will never do this again to challenge my own abilities to handle these stuffs, i should have found an easy way out at the very beginning. I have always been worst at these things; i guess nothing can challenge me more than this. How pathetic...

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 16:29:41 GMT

it is obviously an excuse, but it's kinda sweet

i have missed this feeling for a long time, perhaps the rain is coming along?

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 17:34:04 GMT

i have never hated him... in fact he has been out of the topic of my entries for long... but i cannot forget those words, random words maybe, meaningless jokes perhaps, but they are definitely inconsiderate... he's killing every good thing of him left in my mind

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 17:54:35 GMT

...Believe me.You'll only have to ask. I'll just nod.

Why isn't anyone direct and straightforward? I appreciate simplicity. I realize I am very simple. Very simple acts can lift my day, a word, a smile, a galnce, a greeting, an sms, a call, good food, beautiful shoes LOL... techically anything. But on the other hand, very minor issues can drown me too. Other words, comments, wrong ans in hw, bad food... I begin to appreciate and savour every small actions in life~ Be simple, don't push too hard, don't anticipate too much but i guess some dreaming is ok though, just let things happen. And sweetness can be felt at any time of the day! Savour

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 18:04:29 GMT

head over heels~ Leehom is so gorgeous, so charming and so talented! a guy who knows an instrument is already very attractive, and he knows tonnes of instruments! and he dances well. and he is handsome too! how could anyone be so perfect? i'm really lucky to get to sit at the front row of his concert. dun be jealous, gals and credits to jasmine! or to billy?